Birds

Humor: How to Screw Up Your Relationship in 5 Steps (if You’re a Birder)

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(File this one under #BirderHumor! LOL!)

Our loved ones aren’t always birders by nature and that’s OK.

Just kidding!

That’s never OK. So if you’ve found yourself in a relationship with a non-birder and really want to screw it up, definitely follow these 5 steps and you’ll be free as a bird in no time!

Step 1: Be a Late Birder

This is a really good way to piss off your partner! Being late because of a flat tire is one thing, but being late because you were birding is another.

Bonus Tip: lie about it!

Being late, and lying about it, is certainly a great way to screw up a relationship!

Step 2: Only Talk About Birds

It’s not your partner’s fault that they don’t love birds or birding as much as you do — nobody’s perfect. But if you really want to make them feel disconnected from you, only talk about birds.

Step 3: Interrupt Your Partner to Talk About Birds

Does your partner have something important to tell you, or do they want to complain to you about their day?

Forget everything you’ve ever learned about being a good listener and interrupt them with, “Did you know that hummingbirds are the only bird in the world that can fly backwards?”

If they recover from that interruption, interrupt them with another easy-to-understand bird-fact.

Bonus Tip: If you’re outside and your partner is trying to talk to you about things that non-birders talk about (whatever that might be), just point to the first bird you see as if it’s the first time you’ve seen it.

I know it’s hard to get excited about House Sparrows, but try this line:

“Oh my gosh! Look at the size of the bib on that House Sparrow!”

Follow up with, “Did you know that the size of the bib on a House Sparrow indicates…?”

Step 4: Plan Every Date Around Your Birder Lifestyle

If you’re trying to figure out what to do on a date-night, only suggest bird watching. Movie night? Suggest nighttime birding. Birthday (yours or theirs)? Birding.

Planning a vacation? Find a bird-related expo, festival, or hotspot.

If for some reason, you don’t get your way, complain about it excessively and follow step 5.

Step 5: Tell Them You’d Rather Be Birding

I saved the most effective step for screwing up your relationship with a non-birder for last.

If your non-birder partner speaks those three “magic” words to you…you know which words I’m talking about. Respond with this:

“I’D RATHER BE BIRDING.”

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